The State of Dadding in 2023
Being a dad has never been easy, but it has been easier! The life of a father a couple of generations ago and earlier was pretty consistent regarding child care, and the near total lack of it. This was, of course, because of the much more delineated social structure and expectations of a highly patriarchal and regimented culture. Women were largely excluded from the work place, and single income homes were the norm, not the exception. It’s better now, in a multitude of ways, but that should not discount the very real psychological, physiological and emotional toll that living in modern society can have on parents.
As a society, we are greatly benefitting from womens’ achievements in both political equality and economic self-reliance. Women have already eclipsed men in college graduation rates, and the disparity is growing larger in their favor. Our culture has released many of the binds that it unfairly created around women, restricting their social progress and voice in politics. The result has been an absolutely astounding explosion in average wealth generation for American women, and a huge increase in the wealth of our society.
The resulting changes have ushered in a new paradigm in the American family, one in which the typical responsibilities of parents, respective to their gender, are now fluid, and determined by the specific people in each household, not (as much) by society at large.
Work the 9-5? Could be either mom or dad’s job these days…or both. Diaper changes? Stay at home dads know all about them, and juggle that specific routine with all sorts of activities that had typically been addressed to mom.
But while the reality of a more equitable and less proscribed culture is now nearly pervasive, the ghostly vestiges of our recent past still haunt us in ways that affect both outcomes and experiences. Mom’s who are corporate stars often cant shake the feelings of guilt for not being there more for their kids. Dads who manage the home are often plagued by feelings of lack of self worth and FOMO from their old work buddies. If the roles were reversed, as they had been for generations, those feelings would be far more rare, even though the experiences themselves might be identical, the missing out of time with kids or workmates is the same regardless which parent experiences it.
For working dads, the challenges can also be hard. Balancing work and family is an age old problem for any adult with kids. On one hand you need to provide for them, on the other you want to be there as often as possible. Lots of dads struggle to balance the demands of work with the responsibilities of fatherhood. In many cases, fathers work long hours or have jobs that require them to travel frequently, which can make it difficult to spend time with their children. Luckily modern apps like FaceTime and Skype allow for a more personal communication, but crushingly, its just not as good as being there in person.
And thats in the best case scenario, where one can work and know that they have at least half of the equation settled. But raising children can be expensive, and even though they are employed, many fathers struggle to provide for their families financially. This can be especially difficult for single fathers or those with low incomes, or married fathers with under or unemployed moms. The added stress of financial hardship is devastating to many aspects of life. Dad’s are typically the ones who will receive the most acrimony for a family that is experiencing financial hardship, even though the blame might be shared equally between parents
Another pitfall on the way to happiness in dadhood is the lack of friends experienced by most dads. For some reason, likely related to our long history as hunter-gatherers (99% of human history) we are less inclined to support relationships across space and time. Men are more likely to be friends with the people they see regularly than nurture friendships for long durations like women. This unsettling trend has made many dads feel isolated and unsupported in their parenting roles, particularly if they do not have close relationships with other fathers or access to resources such as parenting classes or support groups. It’s hard enough to be a father with friends and family in the picture, but it’s substantially harder when you are going it alone.
And that leads back to our mention of mental health challenges dads often face. Fatherhood can be stressful and overwhelming, and many fathers struggle with issues such as depression or anxiety. But crucially, to the negative, there can be a societal stigma around men and mental health, which can make it difficult for fathers to seek help. The common isolation dads in today’s America are experiencing is actually exacerbated by the zombie expectations that plague our public discourse as well as our subconscious. It’s a vicious cycle that should be noticed and discussed more often, in order to call attention to its highly damaging effects.
Modern American fatherhood faces a variety of challenges that can make it difficult for dads to be the parents they want to be. On the bright side, and there is a bright side, many fathers are finding ways to navigate these challenges and prioritize their families despite the obstacles. There are ways to deal with the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed, under-appreciated, and FOMO that pervade the recesses of the modern dad’s mind. Everyone should decide what’s right for them, but our feelings are that there are a few things one can remember, as well as do, to keep your head in the right place, so you can be the best dad you can be:
1) Remember that doing a good job at parenting is doing a good JOB.
2) Seek out old friends and remind yourself (and them) why you were so close to begin with. It will help both you and your friend, open doors and opportunities and provide you with an understanding ear that can absorb all of your stress and give you thoughtful feedback
3) DO THINGS with your kids. There are a hundred cool things to do with kids that involve leaving the house and going to a new location. You want to now what the secret to good naps are? New experiences. Get your kids out doing new and interesting stuff (even a new shop or park). It will keep both of your sanity in check.
4) Be prepared. The first rule of dadding is having the right gear. All of that stuff needs to be in your back pocket, not a front of mind concern. Stress over diaper changes is not the way to having fun, its the way to more stress.
5) Never forget this one fact: Your kids will never forget you. Cherish the time you are with them and try your best to make it as positive as possible. Save the moping for after they are asleep, if you feel the need to mope (we all do).. The effects of good energy are multiplicative, and as the parent, YOU are the driver of the energy. Keep it as calm and cool as possible.
